Dealing with Difficult Ancestors

Connecting with ancestors in magickal practice is a powerful way to draw on ancestral wisdom, strength, and protection. In fact, I have an entire article about why you may want to connect with and honor your ancestors and how to do so here.

But what do you do when some of your ancestors have a dark or harmful legacy? Whether it’s a close relative who caused you or other loved ones pain or distant ancestors who participated in oppressive systems, working with these spirits can feel like a moral and emotional minefield.

Here are some ways to navigate these challenges while staying true to your values and your practice.

Set Boundaries

You are under no obligation to include every ancestor in your practice. Just as you might avoid harmful people in life, you can spiritually distance yourself from ancestors who bring pain, harm, or toxic energy. Explicitly state in your ritual space that you only welcome ancestors who bring love, wisdom, and guidance.

For example, you might say:

"I honor the lineage I come from, but I invite only those ancestors who support my growth and align with my values to join me here."

If you want to even go so far as to name names, 💅, you do you.

Focus on the Honorable Ones

If you have ancestors who were kind, courageous, or aligned with your values (and I'm sure you had at least one), prioritize working with them. Call them out by name, if you know their names, the same way you would call out to a specific deity as opposed to calling upon an entire pantheon. Even if the only positive ancestor is far removed or symbolic, like a cultural hero or archetype, that connection can still hold power. You might also look to spiritual ancestors—those who are not related by blood but who inspire you and feel aligned with your purpose.

Ancestral Accountability

For ancestors who caused harm, you can use your practice to address and transform the energy they represent. This might involve rituals of healing, forgiveness (if you feel ready), or even confrontation. Acknowledge their wrongdoing and the pain they caused while affirming your commitment to breaking those cycles of harm in your own life.

A small ritual you may try is to light a candle for justice and say, "I see the harm you caused, and I choose to do better. May this light guide your spirit toward accountability and healing."

We often focus on what relationships with Spirit (regardless of which type) can do for us and rarely consider what we can do for them beyond what we supply on an offering platter. Can we help the deceased evolve? I cannot say for certain but I hope that those who primarily suffered from the ignorance of their time can, over time, through observation of our changing world and society, and with us leading by example, change for the better. Rather than offering them reverence, you may offer them space for reflection and change. Instead of praying to them or asking them questions, you can try to guide them to a more enlightened path.

This type of ancestral work can be a way to address generational trauma as well as generational curses, bringing those energies into balance and clearing the path for your own growth.

Draw on Collective Ancestors

If your direct ancestors feel too heavy to work with, consider expanding your focus to collective ancestors. This is great if you want to cast a wide net, either because you're looking to draw from a bigger pool or you don't know any/many specific ancestors, but your family line is not where you want to aim your focus. These might include members of your cultural, spiritual, or professional community who paved the way for you. This allows you to honor different types of lineages while bypassing toxic family dynamics.

Honor the Complexity

Recognize that people are rarely all good or all bad. There are good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things. If you feel drawn to engage with a flawed ancestor, do so with clear eyes. You might choose to honor the parts of their legacy that were constructive while rejecting the harm they caused. This nuanced approach can be a way to reclaim your lineage on your own terms.

Your practice is your own, and you have the right to curate it in a way that feels safe and empowering. Working with ancestors doesn’t mean excusing harm, ignoring history, or enabling toxicity—it’s about consciously choosing what you carry forward and what you leave behind. By setting boundaries, holding space for accountability, and focusing on healing, you can honor your lineage while staying true to your values and spiritual goals.