Feast with the Dead: How to Host a Dumb Supper

A common Pagan tradition for most sabbats is hosting a feast. But on the night of Samhain, when the veil between the worlds of the living and dead is thinnest, this feast is a little bit different: you invite the dead to dine with you.

Dumb suppers, as we celebrate them today, are solemn rituals to honor the deceased. Particularly those who passed away in the last year or specific, revered ancestors. As with many customs, the origins are a bit muddled, but several different cultures have record of performing some form of a dumb supper. Even Victorian-era women in England and some part of America took part in dumb suppers, believing they could foretell who their future husbands were. This practice died out by the 1950s, but the Pagan community is carrying on this tradition to honor the dead.

Before we begin, if you would like more information on the celebration of Samhain and why it is viewed as a time to honor the dead and celebrate the end of the life cycle, you can read all about it here.

Also, if you prefer video format on the topic of dumb suppers, you can view my video on the topic here. Otherwise, keep scrolling.

There are two main factors that set a dumb supper apart from a regular supper:

1. You invite the dead.

2. Nobody speaks.

What to Serve

Whatever you and your guests (living and dead) enjoy, really. If you know a deceased loved one had a favorite meal, that might be what you want to serve. Otherwise, you can't go wrong with seasonal dishes that contain apples, pumpkins or other gourds, root vegetables, game, and wild rice.

A potluck is always a great way to go about a feast, but keep it organized. Just like with any potluck, make sure you know who is bringing what so you don't end up with several similar items. It is a lovely idea, however, to have each person bring a dish that was enjoyed by their deceased loved one or made with that loved one's recipe.

Setting the Table

It is a good idea to cleanse the dining area, and then fully set the table as you are inviting honored guests. If you are able to, use a tablecloth, napkins, set all silverware, a water and wineglass, etc. Traditionally, all linens should be black and the only light you would be serving and dining by is candlelight. However, this can be determined by personal preference and what you have available to you.

The head of the table will be the seat reserved for the spirits. If you are able to leave enough seats open for each spirit, wonderful, but that isn't always realistic. Especially if each living guest attending has a deceased loved one (or more than one) they wish to invite. Whether it is the head of the table or individual settings, light a candle at each place where a spirit will be invited to dine. If it will only be one spirit per seat, you may want to place their photograph at their setting or a small item that they owned or that represents something they loved. I just don't recommend this if you are using one place setting for several spirits as it can get crowded at the table.

Feel free to decorate the space as well. With maybe the exception of placing a plastic skeleton in the chair reserved for Spirit, it isn't crass to observe death at the table by using coffin-shaped place cards or lighting skull candles. This supper not only acknowledges and honors the dead, but it honors and accepts death as well.

As the host, you may choose to serve the plates in advance of your guests sitting. This does make things easier, but the hot food could potentially cool faster. More on other suggestions for serving in a bit.

Who to Invite

Invite anyone who is fully aware of what a dumb supper is, is comfortable attending, and will respect the solemnity of the occasion.

While it is entirely a personal choice, it might be best to leave children off the guest list. While this may seem like a solid way to introduce them to ritual and spirit offerings, especially if you have already covered the tricky discussion of death with them, most may find it difficult to stay silent and in their seats.

As for which spirits to invite, as I already mentioned, it is most common to invite a revered ancestor or recently deceased loved one. Keep in mind that your spirit guest does not have to be blood-related to you. It's a personal choice that only you can make. Hell, you can invite Elvis if you want. I can't promise he'll attend, but it never hurts to ask if you have no one else in mind.

The Ritual

A lot of this process is open to your own stylizing based on your practice and what you feel comfortable with. Make sure that all your guests have silenced or turned off their phones or any other devices that might make sound or display a screen. All guests should be on the same page as to when the silence will begin. This could be as soon as they enter the dining room, after opening sacred space, after saying a blessing over the food, or at some other appointed time.

Whether you choose to open sacred space and/or say a blessing over the food (silent or aloud) before serving, is up to you and your personal practice. However, before everyone takes their seats, have each guest stand at the spirit chair and silently invite their loved one to join.

I have found it easiest for the host to circle the table and serve each person--including the plate at the spirit seat. Guests can communicate with short hand waves whether they don't want a particular dish or want the host to plop down an extra spoonful. This is easier than everyone reaching across to serve themselves when no one is able to ask, "Can you pass the ___?" No one should eat until everyone, including Spirit, is served.

Know that while this is a silent and solemn occasion, it is perfectly alright to exchange glances and smiles. No need to stare awkwardly at your plate the whole time. Do, however, avoid making silly faces at one another out of boredom or awkwardness. This is meant to treat Spirit as the guest of honor and the occasion should be respected as such. While you eat, it is a good idea to use the silence to allow yourself to attune to the space and pick up on subtle or not-so-subtle energies present.

Once everyone has finished eating, each guest should again visit the spirit seat and silently thank them for their presence. Some may wish to burn a short, prewritten note to their loved one in the lit candle at the spirit seat. I suggest having a cauldron or some other heatproof container nearby for this. No one should speak until the final (living) person retakes their seat, at the earliest.

I once heard an account of a group that decided they would not speak until a tealight candle at the spirit seat burned out on its own. However, it burned for much longer than they anticipated and everyone felt restless and awkward. So maybe that isn't the best way to go about the timing, but it is a good idea to be sure everyone is on the same page as to when they can speak again.

After the final person has signaled that they are done wishing their spirit farewell by sitting back down at their own spot, I like to close it out with the following prayer before bringing the lights backs up.

To the ones we have loved, to the ones we have lost, to those near and far. To those who passed before. We thank you for your presence here, we thank you for dining with us. We wish you well. [sign off: "Blessed be," "Amen," "In love and light," etc.]

You should close the meal or adjust this prayer however you see fit.

In general, the host should guide the evening. Make sure everyone is aware of the order of things, when silence will begin and end, and how meals will be served. When inviting the spirits in, the host should be first to step up to the chair and they should also be the first to bid them farewell. This makes things go smoothly and everyone will know whose cues to follow. Just be sure to be a courteous host and keep an eye on how people are doing. If most of your guests aren't even halfway through their plate, don't rush them by getting up to dismiss your invited spirit. At the same time, if you are a slow eater, don't make everyone else sit around and wait on you if they are starting to seem restless.

Appreciate this occasion for what it is. Many of your living guests may view this as a reunion they only get once a year, and for others, this may be the first time they have honored the presence of a loved one since their funeral service. If treated with the respect it is due, this ritual can be a very fulfilling Samhain tradition.

Finally, everyone seems to have a different idea of what to do with the food on the spirit plate at the end of the meal. Some people throw it out, others wrap it up and eat it themselves later (as the spirits already fed energetically, so why let the physical food go to waste?), while others place the food outside for animals to eat. There is no hard and fast rule for this. All I will say is that you should be cautious what you are putting outside. Food could attract pests and rodents to your home and certain foods can be toxic or harmful to some animals.